Do you know what the most compelling source of romantic attraction between two people actually is? What is the secret force that binds? It isn't physical attraction, shared goals or the pursuit of an idealized image, even though all of these things can play a role on a conscious level. This powerful force that we are often unaware of operates on a subconscious level and can best be described as an equal level of childhood wounding.
We all seek someone with whom we share a deep, unspoken understanding. Secretly we are looking for a life companion who shares our deepest longings and in whose healing presence we can seek refuge from the storm. And so, if we sense on a subconscious level that the person across from us is a kind of brother in arms whose pain in some fashion mirrors our own, the sense of an unspoken bond can be extremely compelling. This rule even applies in rare cases where the childhood experience has been almost totally positive. In this case we seek a partner with an equal lack of childhood wounding with whom we can recreate the positive aspects of our own childhood experience. However, for most of us it is the unspoken pain that is the most compelling feature of our partner on a subconscious level.
Of course we also make choices or try to make choices from a conscious level. On a conscious level we want someone who shares our life's goals - our vision of what will fulfill us as individuals. Physical attraction or chemistry is important, and we all have basic relationship requirements and needs that we are longing to fulfill in the partnership itself. But it is our underlying subconscious motivation that has the most hidden power to steer our selection of a life partner.
Explaining this to a client recently I was asked, "If this is the case, how do any relationships ever succeed?" The answer to this question is that they succeed through a commitment to consciousness. The hidden subconscious motives that draw us to a partner are not wrong - they have an important purpose to fulfill. But unless we are aware of what we are doing and why, as well as how to deal constructively with our relationships we will end up falling into the same old nasty surprises over and over again.
We learn about love as children and we long to overcome the barriers to love that we encountered as children. Symbolically we want to return to our mother or father's arms and have everything finally be OK. On a subconscious level any love object is the love object. If a parent was our love object as a child and our lover or mate is our love object as an adult to the subconscious mind there is no difference. So each of us turns to our partner as that one primal and eternal love object through which we seek that which was not fulfilled or completed in the past. This is how life moves forward.
We encounter problems because it is natural for a child to act out their feelings. Imagine a child who has been separated from their mother for a long time. They may have been left with other relatives while Mom had important things to do and she was unable to return as expected. When mother finally arrives the child joyfully reunites with her. But he or she is also understandably upset and the natural impulse of the child is to attack or initially refuse mother for having left her to suffer on her own for as long as she did. The child does not wish to hurt mother but the emotional acting out still occurs.
Subconsciously when we get into an intimate relationship we are the child trying to reunite with the mother and/or father. We also seek to give love, comfort and inspiration to our partner. But many times when we seek love and comfort from our partner we become the child who is acting out while our partner ends up also doing the very same thing! This is a perfectly natural process. But if we don't understand what is going on our child selves will end up feeling betrayed and each will continue to act out in frustration until eventually the initial love and trust that brought us together has been irreplaceably eroded.
This sad result is neither necessary nor inevitable. If we enter relationships consciously and learn to develop the skills that will enable us to deal with this natural phenomena in a constructive manner we can achieve life long fulfillment. We can find that union (or reunion) that we all seek. We owe it to ourselves and to future generations to create conscious happy relationships.
Portrait of the Soul provides some profound insights about your childhood patterns and those of your partner and how these can influence your current relationship choices and experiences. This book provides a bird's eye view of your past as well as a map for a more fulfilling future and shows you how to get there. The first step in finding or creating a conscious relationship is to become more conscious of yourself and your own relationship patterns.
Relationship Coaching can also aid you in this process. If you are single you can learn how to make conscious relationship choices and avoid making choices that could sabotage the love that you seek.
Pre-commitment coaching is for couples that are now at the point of making their final decision. Are you the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? Your relationship coach guides you through a process that helps you to decide as individuals if this is really the right relationship for you. This is a decision you will make on your own. Your relationship coach provides a vehicle for you to make clear and conscious choices about the life you want to create together. And if you decide that this is the relationship you both want you will also be guided in developing the skills that will help to ensure its success.
Couples Coaching differs from relationship counseling in that it provides success training for couples. We do not endlessly dig up the past or assume that there is something wrong with you. Instead we acknowledge that our society fails to provide any of us with the skills that we need in order to have truly successful and fulfilling partnerships in life. Couples' coaching provides us with those skills and enhances even happy relationships, helping couples to truly create the life of their dreams.